Tuesday, October 23, 2007

The Wait

It's been 2 days and I got no answer.

The thought of letting go is overwhelming and I can't stand the pain at the thought. If this is what I feel without being in there.... how will it feel when I actually am?

Come and give me that answer.

Negative or Positive... I need it.

I'm restless; I'm unsettled; I'm scared; I'm nervous.... I'm in pain.

Here's my plea, my love... Here's my plea.
Put these sensations to rest.
Rip my heart out... I lay it down for you.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

I Wish I Could Remember...

... the kisses you left me with.
... the rain that fell around and over our heads.
... the love you gave me.
... the passion that engulfed us.
... the songs that signified us.
... the pain that enveloped us.
... the happiness that defined us.
... the dreams we made.
... the homes me made.
... the future we envisioned.
... the friends we were.
... the lovers we still are.

... the dreams we dreamed together.
... the roads we trod together.
... the trees we kissed under.
... the clouds we stared at together.
... the laughter we shared.
... the hugs we got engulfed in.
... the memories we made together.
... the people we met.
... the places we visited together.

... the person you were.
... the love you gave me.
... the pain you caused me.
... the passion you suffused me with.
... the kisses you blew my way.
... the songs you sang to me.
... the dance you danced with me.
... the words you said to me.

... the person I was.
... the happiness I felt.
... the contentment I lived in.
... the fury I felt.
... the love I would writhe with.
... the world I lived in when you were there.

These are the things I long to remember. Today comes and tomorrow goes. Yesterdays come and stay and I wonder which way to turn.
If these memories could brighten my mind; if these memories could become clearer with each passing moment; if these memories could bring back my contentment...
... I'll sing to the moon.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Oh, the "rubbish-ness" of it all!

What a fool I am!
I thought my intuition was right yet again.... and presumed and looked forward to being surprised this month!
But it won't be happening.
And what's more! As the minutes pass... my intuitive prediction is fading away too.

It's a different kind of disappointment.
Never hope too much.

I hate this.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

October Hues

It's that month again -- when lust runs red hot through every vein; when every song evokes a feeling of deep yearning and love; when love is found; when surprises are hoped for.... and when the thirst for hot, sweltering nights is impossible to quench.

This sensual month always puts me into a somewhat calm frenzy. My nerves jump, my moods are like thunder, my heart beats faster every minute leaving me breathless and I dance all by myself, under the starry, moonless night. While the sweat drips down my neck, I turn in circles with my eyes closed, reminiscing the past with a tingle down my spine.

Is it a figment of this lusty time or is my intuition right when I say I feel that I am going to be surprised this month?
No, it cannot be.
As these months come and go, and as again I am thrown into the early sweltering winds of October, the red hues and sensual provocation cloud my judgment, making me more naive.
But it never phases me somehow... I never stop hoping, I never stop pulsating, and my heart never stops throbbing.

And I shall go on and try not to hope... swinging these skirts... sweating under the foggy, October skies... singing for the rains to come down...

.... wishing that this is the month I get swept off my feet and higher than my fingers can reach.

Monday, October 1, 2007


When I sit and contemplate the turn of events... it's pretty ironic how the conclusions I draw somehow always remain the same.
Is it because the world hasn't changed or is it because I haven't changed?

I have changed... I feel it.
I can feel the deep swell of understanding right there in the middle of my chest; I can feel the heightened sense of power in my mind that makes me believe that I wield the sword at all times; I feel the fire in my belly... though maybe that's just youth.

The world changing is a question.
Why would everything be so monotonous if the world had truly changed?
Where is that deep swell of understanding?

Sometimes events take an almost deja-vu-ish turn... and for the first time I am spending days and sometimes minutes hoping that that's exactly what is happening at the moment.

Seasons are changing... but why is it that the heart never does?
Have you ever wondered why you always feel pain the same way you did the time before?

How come, unlike autumn where there is always one more leaf that flutters to ground with every passing year, every emotion feels just the same time after time?
Why is it that, unlike the different flowers of spring, we are governed only by one emotion for every situation?
How is that, unlike the fluctuating heat of the summer, lust always burns us the same?
And what is it that, unlike the various shapes of the winter snowflakes, the person you first loved never changes?

Maybe that's why monsoons make more sense to me... no matter how hard the rain falls, it still pitter patters.
And ironically...

... it is the only time of the year my emotions waver.