Monday, April 30, 2007

Realizations

"Let it out, Let it out
Don't get caught up in yourself.
It's not over
I'll try to do it right this time around
It's not over
Part of me is dead and in the ground."
-- 'It's Not Over' by Chris Daughtry.

These are the words running in my mind right now.
I feel alone and lost. I don't want this feeling. The knots in my stomach, the yearning for something I do not know, the knowledge of the truth that is yet to occur.
I have not one release in this world and not one hand to hold on to.
It's all gone.
Crumbled to dust.

I have tried to analyze only to fail; tried to pick up the pieces only to learn that there is no puzzle; tried to call out only to realize that there is no one at the end of the tunnel; tried to give only to know that there is no one to receive; tried to ask only to find that there is no one to give.
An reinforcement.
I have me and me alone.
And I am losing that strength that held me up.

A part of me is charred and numb. I can't wait for the moments to pass. I can't hurt the way I am. The physical pain of the emotional burden hinders my activities and my mind from moving forward.
I need a release.
And there is no one.
No one.

Tears and laughter... these fluctuating emotions drain me.
They suck every bit of being and feeling from me.
Understanding is so very different from being. And I am living the reality...

... The souls outside the realm of my body are only empathizing.

Can you still say you understand?


Sunday, April 29, 2007

Fear and Possibilities

The realization of life has hit me. There could be another one and I am afraid I might be right. If I am, what course will my life take? What course will my family take? And what course will my comfort and I take?
It is scary and I am scared... with a justified reason.
What is it that makes life do turn-abouts and attack us the way it has attacked me?
I have no answers and I can only hope that my intuition is wrong.
This feeling in my stomach that can be either spiritual or reality.
How I wish that it is the former and not the latter.

Today, sitting in that coffee shop with my 4 favorite women, I could not concentrate on the conversation taking place. All I could think about was what was going on inside of me. What was churning my heart, mind and body into the frenzy that it is in now.
An reinforcement of those thoughts are the sensations going through me right now.
The irony of life is astounding.
It is something to be contemplated and dwell ed on.
Something to laugh at and cry about.
Something to look forward to... yet dread.

When I want something so badly but having it could alter the course of my life.... forever.
And I now realize that I need a support that does not exist outside the realm of my mind, heart and soul.
It is within.
Within me and within every heart beat... beats of mine.
Ours.
And after finding that strength... I need the strength from my comfort and my friends.
I need the support.
And I need the love.
Above all else, I need the love.

All this being said under the presumption that I am right.
And right in a way that I wish I wasn't.

Fear encompasses my body right now and grips my heart.
Let it pass..
Please, help it pass.

--Life within me and churning for you
I yearn to want to you but you're wanted by few.
Alone and forlorn, I battle myself
To believe what is right and forget all else.
Am I wrong to want when you aren't in me?
Or am I right to give up what I cannot see?
Will you come again and make me swoon?
Will you make me cry and be my moon?
Should you exist or must you not?
I need these answers but everyone forgot.
I am alone and no one to hold me
You just might imaginary...
... But I'll believe that you're talking to me.
I'll live with the knowledge that you give me comfort
And that as our hearts beat in me
We'll come out on top;
We'll be our firsts.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Introspection During Spider Man

I'm here doing some serious introspection to the sounds of Toby McGuire and Kristin Dunst... and a lot of screaming and slashing sounds.
At times like these, my conclusions seem inconclusive. Make any sense? Not to me!
I find the time to blog but I never find the time to introspect... And when I finally do make time, I am forced and obligated to listen to the sounds of a moving comic.
How exciting.

Today has been filled with the feeling of loss and a lot of tears. Not to forget the runny nose, throat ache and the feeling of being chocked by some super natural power.
When moments of melancholy hit me, I always have a divine thought to turn to. All of a sudden, divine thoughts don't seem to be part of what I "do."
I'm going into my mode of depression which is quite complicated. My moods are swinging faster than I can say "Tea leaves" and my tears are falling before I can catch them.
My conclusion?: ................................ I don't have one.
That's a shocker.
It is now obvious...

... Introspection gets one nowhere.
It just fucks one up even more. :-)

I do not generally use profanity (which is a blatant lie) and neither are my blog posts remotely humorous (which is, evidently, not a blatant lie) but Spider Man and Toby McGuire's butt makes one do weird and unusual things. I am pretty sure that by tomorrow or my next post, I am going to go back to my old depressive, observant and analytical self... so might as well enjoy this while it lasts.

And share it with all those who aren't attacked by the sounds of the moving comic!
*ting*

Friday, April 27, 2007

Princess Selene.

When the night sets in and your tears flow
When the stars twinkle and the moonlight glows.
Do you think of you and everything you are?
Or do you think of us and what is afar?
Do you dwell on the complications that riddle our lives?
Or do you rectify the mistakes that made you survive?
When will you learn that it's you who comes first
That the world is secondary and pain is a thirst?
Don't hide those fears and don't protect us all
If we aren't given a chance to love you
We might just fall.
The night's breeze grazes your skin and your words
I might seem fickle but I always believed it's you who comes first.
I might not show it, I might not listen
But I love you with an entirety that might be forbidden.
The world knows your heart and the gold it holds
I'll take you in my arms as you slowly fold.
I know I seem uncaring and foolish and illusion ed
But I never stop dreaming that you'll be granted what you envision.
I think I'll stop my words and let my mind do the caring
While you read and you dwell and realize what you're sharing...

-- Princess Selene needs to heed this little poem I wrote for her.
And realize that reality is her... not the people in it.
I love her!

Insecurities and Mystified Nights

It's a new day.
The insecurities are past me... but I'm waiting for the moment when they'll surface again.
I'm harping on something that I have no control over... if it is to happen.

I love the night.
Cold, balmy, moonlit nights.
When the breeze is the caress and the moon is the candle.
The trees are the shadows and the sky is the blanket.
When I am the Goddess and the hands upon me are the ones of the worshipper.
Whoever he might be.
It's nights like these that make me dwell and writhe.
And though I have no answers to the monogamous lust, I answer it's call in it's entirety. I command the whip and sow the thirst.
I moan for more and I'm begged to give.
And the irony of such instances?
I am the only one alone in the radius of the that land. Not a soul with me... but the one (s) from my imagination.
And that is my power: I have who I want, when I want and not a guilty thought to dwell on.

Some nights I wonder what it would be like to be made love to in my sleep. That has a completely different dimension.
When the sensations that are reality seem dream-like for the fact that I am asleep.
When the pleasure is mixed with a feeling of disorientation and the man in me has no face.
I can keep wondering and lusting after such fantasies.. Whether they are consumed by reality one day is something to look forward to.
Till then I will shift the shape of my lovers and mourn the death of the past.

--Nights of melancholy and days of mist
My mind of imagination is held in thy powerful fist.
When the morning light sets and the night breeze lingers
I shall kiss thy head and undo thy fingers.
Thou shall fade into the hazy past
While I shine and prance with my glowing mask.
Hold my hand, my lover, my friend
Let me grip thy thoughts and help you fend.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Curiosity, Confusion and Dread

I have too many questions I want answered but I am not able to figure out what those questions are. It's tiring when you spend most of the night sitting up and trying to find anwers to questions that don't exist.
It's started. Words.
I have never hated words before... now it fills me with dread.
The fist of time is going to close in and there is much to conquer before it does.
I always wonder what the consequences of not acting during these times would be... and I do not like the results.
They scare me and disappoint me. It's not something I want to have to face right now.
At this point in my life.

My morning Goodbye was very abrupt. Very cold. I did not like it. I presume the gravity of the situtation was not put across with any sort of emphasis.
Again, I am going to have to let Time do her work. That being said with much spite.


I can only hope that it's easy and the schedule right.
The moments significant and the emotions strong.

Monday, April 23, 2007

What is ethical?

As of yesterday, I seem to cry at the drop of a hat. A sniff of familiarity, a sensation of the old, a sense of deja vu of the past and I'm dissolved to tears that flow with this thick wetness that can only mean that I am hurting.
Hurting for the lost moments and the comfort that is now miles away from me.
Is this fair? On me and the comfort?
It's a question that I will ask him.

Sometimes I can't stand to open my closet (whiffs of familiarity) and other times I open it for the very reason that it gives me the comfort that is now not with me.
How ironic we are when we lose something we still have. Our beings are suspended somewhere between fear and intuitiveness and finding the balance is often impossible. It's either extreme or none.
And right now, I prefer an extreme till my comfort helps me find the balance.

How do I judge the future and what is about to happen?
I can't. That's the fuck-up.
I can only depend on time and the events that take place in between.
Time -- sometimes I feel that it's just meaningless.
How unfair it is that we have only Time to depend on for what we want.
I can only hope that it works in my favor.

I'm missing too much all of a sudden. I feel a bit empty... or maybe half full?
Yes, I think it's the latter.
I still have what I want and need... I've just soaked up and given some away to the myths and currents of time.
I'll fill it up again. I'll pour that glass we made with my own hands and pour into it the emotions from my heart and the thoughts from my mind.

But I hope the moment comes soon.
Sooner than soon.
I don't want to wait too long.

--Transparent illusions and suspended emotions
Looking back at the moments, the thoughts and the visions.
I feel the warmth and dread the cold
The day we fall and everything seems old.
Our words shall be written and said aloud
We'll hold them in our hearts and our minds they shall shroud.
Come back fast, soon and safe
We'll prove to them that for us, the world is made.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Exhilarating Controversies

I was wrong.
The surprise came to me the same day in a package I least expected... but longed for.
The past 10 days have been the best, with mistakes and controversies to rectify.

Now I wonder how my time is going to be spent in the following months. Words written, thoughts penned and emotions dwell ed upon. I dread these days but I'm curious to see what reward is held in store.

I've watched the rain fall down hard and soft in the past 5 days and amazingly, they are all I remember.
The drops and the dew; the green and the fumes; the thoughts and the emotions; the pain and the lust.

My smallest thoughtful blog but I shall update later.

I have a date with the surprise now!
And it's time to cry my tears with the rain!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Disappointment Prevails

Alas, no such luck of any kind of surprise today! (I know, very contradictory to the fact that I hate surprises.)
The day is almost over (it's 5:04 P.M) and nothing big to surprise me.
Now here is a simple question: WHY am I so disappointed?

Today was thoughtful. As usual, no amount of serious introspection was done but a lot of dwelling on the past was accomplished.
And I'm not talking about the recent past... I'm talking about "way back" when I had "the" problems.
Thinking about me then, I realize I wasn't a very friendly kid. Too much anger. The best (worst?) part about me now is that I control it.
There are still times when it consumes me, and my body and mind goes into a rapture of heat and hate, but I over-come it; wrapping myself in fumes and the night's breeze.
Feet tapping, fingers moving, lips mouthing words I do not remember, head bopping... and thoughts consuming.
Rationality plays no role at times like these.
Letting go to the consuming hate is so easy.
Drifting away from everything and everyone for those moments is bliss.
Listening to the sounds of the night and feeling the burning in my throat is peace.
And hearing my voice inside my head is comfort.

Does this mean that I have only me to call a friend?
Or does it mean that I PREFER having only me to call a friend?

CONCLUSION: I need to do some fucking introspection.

-- Spin my web
Toss and turn in bed
Dwell of the musings
And the fingers pointed at me, so accusing!
I'll figure it out, don't you worry
Call me a coward?
You'll be sorry!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Surprises, Anxiety and Revelations.

According to Princess Selene, my tone of voice has changed.
For the better or worse is still undecided but it is a very interesting observation.
I wonder if changing tones corresponds to maturity or wavering emotions.
Both, I presume.
If I'm becoming mature (finally) then I must stop this growth process at ONCE.
If my emotions are fluctuating... my mind is being a bitch and not telling me.

I'm anxious.
I have a feeling that I am going to be surprised tomorrow in a way I expect... but don't expect.
Ever wonder why some people hate surprises?
I do.
And I'm one of them.
Maybe it's because I do not like change. Being grounded is safer.
But that's pretty contradictory to the fact that I can be impulsive.

Conclusion: I got a split personality.
How exciting.

The morning light is going to set in soon.. or close to soon at least.
That's even more exciting.
Not literally.. but I am making a renewed effort to be optimistic rather than the "optimistic pessimist" that I already am.

I think my fingers are going to break off... they shake too much.
The cause might be too much of "personal pollution."

-- Dire needs
And consequences unseen.
High on the wavelengths of time
And the anxiety of tomorrow is all mine!
Dwell and drop
Skip and hop
The child in me
Can so clearly see
The future of growth,
And anxiety and so forth!!


A post for thought.

I KNOW a Princess Selene.

She's gorgeous. She's got black hair, big brown eyes, several piercings on her ears, pretty tattoos and a mind-boggling heart and mind.

She calls me her Girl Genius.

She's a weird Goddess... But she's mine nevertheless.

She doesn't think so though.

But that doesn't matter because I have nice dreams about her.

We love "Babylon" and coffee conversations.

Look out for two pretty girls in a coffee shop during the monsoons with ashtrays and deep looks... That would be us.

Princess Selene and her Girl Genius.

Rain, Coffees and Skeptic Thoughts.

Yeah, so you know how they say that loneliness always needs a friend?
I'd like to let it know that I'm selectively single.
If loneliness was a person, I would marry it.
Woman or man, I'm pretty much bi-curious (or so I say), I'd swing both ways for a little loneliness.
Take note.

The man in my life makes me, my hormones, libido, mind and mental cells happy. Satisfied is yet to be put up (2 more days!!) but overall, selective singleton is very easy to achieve.


(Bangalore in the Rain: courtsey The Hindu)


You know what my favorite monsoon hobbie is?
Sitting in Barista with a Cappuchino and looking at the people through the rain.
Ever notice how easy it gets to shape people into what you believe them to be... in the rain?
I like water.
I really *really* like water.
Getting wet is an experience by itself.
I don't mean shower wetness... I'm talking about rain-pelting wetness.
The hard and light drops, the balmy skies, the people rushing into shops and cafes to get away, vehicles making *swiiiissshhh* noises, tire-splattered water, people cursing ("bhenchod!!") and then there's me -- standing still through all the noise and chaos, arms outstretched, head tilted upwards, thinking of sins and making love, singing Banana Pancakes and skipping in puddles. Rain makes me happy. Makes me think.
I'd like to marry rain as well.
Is it possible to divorce material things?

I do! I recently divorced my diary.
Too many truths.
I like lies.. little white illusions that make me feel better.
Once in a while.


"Sitting round feeling far away
So far away but I can feel the debris
Can you feel it?
You interrupt me from a friendly conversation
To tell me how great its all gonna be
You might notice some hesitation
'Cause it's important to you, it's not important to me
Way down by the edge of your reasons
It's beginning to show
And all I really wanna know is..."

-- Jack Johnson

Where the fuck are my thoughts headed?

-- New beginnings and happy endings
Thinking of you with these never-ending feelings.
Skeptic emotions and running pain
My love, you have my soul
My heart isn't slain.
Talk to me and tell the world
That i'm a friend you treasure and hold.
To me you can say the things you never said
And we'll skip in the rain as the drops hit our heads.

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Illusions and Desperate Cravings.

As days fly by and words are written on paper while the thoughts move too fast, I seem to be stuck in an illusion that I have bred over time.

An illusion that has no escape nor end.

When I thought I could see everything as clearly as possible and could make no mistake, my thoughts whirl faster and faster and I am faced with truthful illusions that stop my mind from moving on. When every thought and action is possessed by the thought of a person who was, is and might always just be an illusion, the mind plays tricks that we pay heed to.

Believing that they are right, I think and toss. Restless and listless; Confused and Torn; what is this? This whirling emotion that encompasses one person and one person alone. The person who sometimes doesn't acknowledge that I might actually be here and willing to listen and heed; sing and dance; cry and laugh; write and think; with him.

I wait and ponder. Days consumed by the lightening of the past and heaviness of those words. Days spent in wonderment on whether or not we can be friends. Just friends.

Telling myself that it is not important is easy; exercising such a thought is hard. Harder than hard.

But the voice that speaks through is beyond brilliant. The advantage of such thoughts are the words that flow through from my mind, through my pen and onto my paper. Words hidden deep in me, so deep that only he could bring them out.

For which I thank him and his very being; my mind and it's puzzle; the circumstance and it's dire consequences.

-- Flow and cry
Mighty words
The paper is a book
That shows how the mind works.
The illusion is the stream
That's filled with ink
It sings and prances
In a circle into which we can sink.
I think and dwell;
Laugh and cry;
And though I wonder where you are,
My thoughts are clear and my soul is ready to fly.