Sunday, March 18, 2007

Sequels and Content Imagination

Every dream has a sequel. Vivid with words and actions. And I am still waiting for mine...

In the face of conflict and clashing thoughts, how do I put across the emotions that I detest? These very emotions that I fell pray to with a vengeance unseen.

And all for a man who spins a story.

Riddles and thoughts, links and chains -- common things we talk about but with an intensity that is electrifying. An intensity that possesses the ability to consume one's being in it's entirety.

And yet... YET... they aren't as deep as I'd like to describe them to be. They run and flow now and then, but the moment of reality has passed.
And it passed so quietly that to capture it again is an ordeal one would not want to go through. An ordeal with consequences so deep, that one would live in the constant fear of being caught.

How happy I am to be where I am, and yet I wonder about the frivolous things in life and realize that they are enough to make a person unhappy. Should I keep wondering? Or should I let the blemished yet unblemished reality consume me?

And as I wonder and ponder over those questions, I reach the conclusion that seems to be pulling me through unconsciously. A conclusion that defines a moment. I realize that the reality of life is what one needs to keep one grounded, but the frivolous thoughts are what keeps one sane. The "sinful" with the "truthful."

These very sinful thoughts keep me moving. That very being that consumes them keeps me thinking.

And that very person keeps me feeling...

... what I must not.

-- Never borrowed the love that was meant to be
Always left the sins to be unseen.
I am happy with him and my thoughts
Not with the definitions and all that I fought.
An open book, A sealed letter
And I will send the love
But does it really matter?


Saturday, March 17, 2007

Vivid Dreams and Morning Perceptions

In the light of yet another day, I wake up with a sense of disorientation that I am unable to shake off.

The dream is still vivid, so are the clashing limbs, lips and bodies from it. My heart was either beating too fast or too slow every other second and that face just wouldn't go. I remember every detail and I still long for more. But not in a dream.
No, never in a dream.
It's reality now. I want to make it true. This instant, this moment; while my being is still in a state of utter and complete lust. Where logic plays no role and neither does loyalty.
When the only thing that matters is exercising my temporary lack of will-power.

But I could not do that. Not when he's there and I am here. Not when I am his and he is hers.

I still want to talk to him like I used to. Share the thoughts and words that we did. It's hard to define the feeling of missing someone you don't know deep enough.

And then there are the moments of wondering -- If he's feeling the same way; If he is thinking about me as well; If he is wondering the same things; If he WANTS the same things.

Whereas there was a point in time when I knew definite answers for every one of those questions, or at least knew that I would get them, it has now reached a point where the possibility of getting any kind of answer is minimal.

It makes me want to cry yet it makes me want to laugh. WHY am I so foolish? WHY?
Why can't I just let it go?
The way I did for the past month.
Haven't I realized that it is easier not caring about people and things that can hold no real significance to me?
And yet, I am a fool for these emotions. A fool for this lust, this word-lust. A fool for the thoughts and the riddles.

And the cause of reverting back to these emotions?: A dream.

Yes, that's what it all is. Just a dream. A figment of something that was there, but perhaps so light, so light as a feather, that it might as well been an illusion.

And I am happy where I am. With him and the rest. Exclude the illusion and life is as dandy as it can be!

-- So maybe now I'll let go
Laugh and smile
Not that it never happened before
But now it'll last a mile.
And as much as I miss
The riddles and the words
I'll probably just kiss
Your lips and the hurt.
Over-emotional and consequently numb
Turbulent tears
And misery to some.
Not as deep as what I make it out to be
But I need to let the illusion go
And be as free as I can be...

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Links, Melodies, Words and Us.

How many times do we find that our thoughts are linked with one another?

Walking down that beach, all i could wonder was if i had made a mistake. Did i do the right thing? Is it ethical?
And though i ask these questions knowing every answer, i still miss him.
Words can't define it for it has no defination but the connection of our words and our thoughts were oh-so strong.

It's been more than forever since i spoke to him but the distance between us seems to be growing. He came like the wind and he got swept away just as fast.
How can we describe the links our thoughts have when we aren't sure what we're thinking about?

Never have I spoken to anyone the way i did with him.
But i always wonder, did he lead me on?
Was he playing the game men are reputed for?

or,
Was he honest?
Did he feel the spark as well?

I wonder if i have found a friend in him but i do know for sure that i can make him the lover i already have.

And then i realize, it's time to stop thinking and let it go. We belong to two different people, even if a figment of us belongs to one another.

It's like a song with no words.
We, him and I, make the symphony together.. without uttering a sound.

-- And you came and you went
I didn't follow.
I ask you to go, not a word i sent
Now my heart feels a tad bit hollow.
Content i might be, but the melodies are gone
Words are stuck
Within me
And the mind at times gets forlorn.
But never mind the decision,
The pain or the thirst.
What's the point of planning with precision
When we were their's first?
Just keep my words and wonder how
The heavens caved in
And we'll talk when we must in riddles and how
But we'll know what we mean within.