Saturday, March 17, 2007

Vivid Dreams and Morning Perceptions

In the light of yet another day, I wake up with a sense of disorientation that I am unable to shake off.

The dream is still vivid, so are the clashing limbs, lips and bodies from it. My heart was either beating too fast or too slow every other second and that face just wouldn't go. I remember every detail and I still long for more. But not in a dream.
No, never in a dream.
It's reality now. I want to make it true. This instant, this moment; while my being is still in a state of utter and complete lust. Where logic plays no role and neither does loyalty.
When the only thing that matters is exercising my temporary lack of will-power.

But I could not do that. Not when he's there and I am here. Not when I am his and he is hers.

I still want to talk to him like I used to. Share the thoughts and words that we did. It's hard to define the feeling of missing someone you don't know deep enough.

And then there are the moments of wondering -- If he's feeling the same way; If he is thinking about me as well; If he is wondering the same things; If he WANTS the same things.

Whereas there was a point in time when I knew definite answers for every one of those questions, or at least knew that I would get them, it has now reached a point where the possibility of getting any kind of answer is minimal.

It makes me want to cry yet it makes me want to laugh. WHY am I so foolish? WHY?
Why can't I just let it go?
The way I did for the past month.
Haven't I realized that it is easier not caring about people and things that can hold no real significance to me?
And yet, I am a fool for these emotions. A fool for this lust, this word-lust. A fool for the thoughts and the riddles.

And the cause of reverting back to these emotions?: A dream.

Yes, that's what it all is. Just a dream. A figment of something that was there, but perhaps so light, so light as a feather, that it might as well been an illusion.

And I am happy where I am. With him and the rest. Exclude the illusion and life is as dandy as it can be!

-- So maybe now I'll let go
Laugh and smile
Not that it never happened before
But now it'll last a mile.
And as much as I miss
The riddles and the words
I'll probably just kiss
Your lips and the hurt.
Over-emotional and consequently numb
Turbulent tears
And misery to some.
Not as deep as what I make it out to be
But I need to let the illusion go
And be as free as I can be...

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